In both our personal and business lives, there are times when we connect with other people and make them happy to communicate with us. In these instances, there is a free flow of information where both parties leave the communication with positive feelings. Then, of course, there are times when obstacles get in the way of effective communication, and we leave with a mediocre or negative impression about what just took place. Even the most skilled among us sometimes communicate in ways that turn people off. The following are some communication “killers” to watch out for. By avoiding these traps, we can build rapport, leave a positive impression on others, and make communicating with us a valuable experience.
“It is far better to make your point without setting up winners and losers.”
1. Making the other person “wrong”
Too many people view communication as an argument, where the objective is to prove that they are “right” and that the other person is wrong. The other person will always resent your attempt to establish that he or she is wrong.
Think about it: how do you like it when someone tries to prove that you are wrong? I’ll bet that you resent it when a co-worker or family member plays this game with you. The better way is to hear out the point of view being expressed, check that you understand it, then offer, “My view is different from yours. Let me explain.” People who feel heard and understood are more likely to hear and understand someone expressing a different view. Many times we assert that we are right in matters of opinion, where there really is no right or wrong.
Even if you are quoting a statistic and you know the other person is mistaken, you gain little by insisting that he or she is wrong. It’s far better to make your point without setting up winners and losers.
2. Stingy contributors
This describes the people who listen, take and receive, but don’t give. They contribute little enthusiasm, information, self-disclosure, acknowledgement, compliments or other elements that lift a conversation. They like to “pick the brains” of others, but contribute nothing. This cautious, ungenerous style causes an out-of-balance conversation in which real trust can never exist.
3. Talking too much about yourself
Just about everyone falls into this trap. You get in a discussion with someone and you dominate the conversation by talking about yourself, while allowing the other party very little opportunity to speak.
A talker begins a topic and the listener grabs it away and opens a me-centered monologue. They say, “I saw a great movie last weekend…” and the listener says, “Oh? I saw one, too…” and begins to describe their experience. The initiator of the topic is unable to complete their thought.
When you talk only about yourself without letting the other party participate, you give the message that you don’t care about the other person. Remember this illustration: we are born with two ears and one mouth, and should strive to use them in that proportion.
4. Interrupting
This is one of the most common communication blunders. We start out listening to someone but then we begin to think of what we’re going to say next and we tune them out. When we have our thoughts ready to launch, we break into the discussion and start talking. This is insulting to the other party as you did not let that person complete his or her comments.
Discipline yourself to let others finish their thoughts before you chime in with yours.
5. Unsolicited advice
Some people are quick to give advice as soon as the other person mentions a problem. “Have you thought of…?” “Why don’t you…?” erupt quickly from their overflowing volcanoes of counsel. When offered to friends and other peers, the advice-giver assumes the authority or even parenting role and that can be off-putting. Better to let the person finish and then, perhaps, to ask, “Are you asking for my opinion?” or “What alternatives have you thought of?”
6. Constant negativity
People are bombarded with negative news from the media. Terrorism, violent crime and natural disasters receive many hours of daily coverage. Then there’s the negative “drama” in your personal life — your disappointing relationships, unfulfilling career, bouts with illness.
While it’s only natural to share your life experiences with others, especially friends and co-workers, you don’t need to tell them everything that’s wrong. Keep your conversations uplifting and others will look forward to speaking with you.
7. Treating technology with more importance than the person you’re speaking to
Here’s a problem that’s growing out of control. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in the middle of a conversation or meeting with them: if their phone rings or their device shows a message coming in, they immediately divert their attention away from you.
The message they’re giving is that the incoming communication is more important than anything you have to offer. Unless you are expecting an emergency message, turn off the phones and hand-held devices when meeting with others. You’ll have plenty of time to examine those messages later.
When you find you are becoming frustrated or annoyed in a conversation, there is a good chance that the other party is exhibiting one of these mistakes. You are experiencing how these mistake patterns cause problems. With your heightened awareness, now work to eliminate them from your own repertoire. If you commit any of these communication blunders, keep the suggestions above in mind during your upcoming conversations. With focus and effort, you can become a more effective communicator.