By learning to resolve conflicts and manage disagreements constructively, you can limit negative encounters with your partner and strengthen the positive side of your relationship. Follow these guidelines:
1. Eliminate negative communication styles
Are you or your partner guilty of any of the communication styles below?
- criticizing your partner’s opinions, feelings or desires
- putting down the thoughts, feelings, actions or worth of your partner
- name calling
- insensitivity
- making accusations
- avoiding disagreements or important discussions
- disregarding
- withdrawing from conflicts
- bringing up past hurts
These negative ways of interacting sabotage any attempts at constructive communication, erode positive feelings and are devastating to a relationship.
2. Learn how to listen
Constructive and positive communication begins with genuinely attempting to understand the other person’s point of view, needs or feelings. Listening to understand focuses attention on the issue at hand, not on individual personalities. For more effective listening you should:
- Listen for understanding — Give your partner an opportunity to communicate his/her thoughts, feelings, needs or desires regarding the issue at hand. Listen for understanding, rather than spending time preparing for what you’re going to say next.
- Ask questions — Guard against assuming that you know what your partner meant or felt by asking questions to assure your understanding. Ask questions such as, “Is this what you are saying?”
- Summarize — When your partner is finished speaking, repeat what he/she said — in your own words — to confirm with your partner that you understand.
3. Improve your speaking skills
By learning to speak without attacking your partner’s thoughts, feelings, actions or worth, you can keep disagreements from escalating into full-blown and nasty arguments. To improve your talking skills you should:
- Make “I” statements — Avoid starting a sentence with “you.” It sounds like an
accusation or an invitation to fight. Instead, put yourself on the line by sharing how it is for you. Say, “I think…” or “I want…” or “I feel…” - Use “Feeling” words — Communicate clearly to your partner by using feeling words like “sad,” “happy,” “angry,” “worried,” etc. Remember to start the sentence with an “I” as in, “I was upset when…”
- Focus on issues, not personalities — Deal with specific issues on which decisions and compromise action can be worked out. Be specific when you introduce a complaint. Confine yourself to one issue at a time.
By avoiding negative communication styles and improving your listening and talking skills, you can learn to resolve differences without negative consequences and, in fact, grow stronger and closer by solving them together. Caring and individualized help for personal and family concerns is provided by your EAP. For confidential help 24 hours a day, contact The Lexington Group.